Relationships And Change


What does your relationship with someone have to do with change?  Almost everything.

But, most likely, not the kind of change you want. That’s the point.

What do I mean, you ask?

I have often thought, in the past, that I would be able to have a good relationship with someone as soon as that person changes into someone that I would want to have a relationship with. I can hardly believe I just wrote what I wrote. WoW!

I now think that I must be happy with who I am BEFORE I am capable of having lasting relationships. You see, I now believe that I cannot expect someone to change in order to have a lasting relationship.

It is important to recognize that when it comes to relationships, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. Now, don’t be upset by what I just wrote. I am not saying that you must take what you see. I’m only saying that you shouldn’t expect someone to change in order for you to have a relationship with her/him.

If we want to have a lasting relationship then we should, first, be happy with who they are. Start the relationship being happy with who they are AND not changing who we are. Allow them to be – without our criticism.

Good relationships have important steps according to Jerry Lopper. He discusses the following seven steps on the website Suite

  • Commitment
  • Freedom
  • Respect
  • Support
  • Equality
  • Healthy conflict resolution
  • Trust

I think we are asking for problems in our relationships when conditions are placed on the relation where we must change for them or when we expect them to change for us. I know this might sound harsh. If we allow thoughtless and inconsiderate people into our life and assume that under our influence, they will change, then we are setting up the relationship for failure. Most likely, we will have to change our behavior to appease them. If we try to force them to change, there is a good chance they will push back.

We must take care of the direction our own life takes and allow others to set their direction. We can help them change and we can support their change but we should not choose the direction for their change.

This is what I think now, but this is not what I have always thought.

What do you think?




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