R2 Thoughts for You 
What Is Love?
Posted on May 7, 2009 Leave a Comment
A love post for today. I have been wanting to write this for some time. This post has been started and stopped more times than I can remember. I “flirted,” no pun intended, with it on Valentine’s Day, but was only able to address the subject of the day and my Valentine.
You see, I want to understand what love is from my point of view. On the surface, it seems like it should be a simple thing, but the more I think of it, the more I’m not sure. Love has so many different meanings. At least, when I looked for definitions and descriptions, I found an incredible amount of diversity. So, what is love (to me)?
Well, love is not friendship, but friendship can be a part of love. Love is not thoughtfulness, but thoughtfulness can be a part of love. Love is not tenderness, but tenderness can be a part of love. Love is not a relationship, but a relationship can be a part of love. As you can see, once I start a sentence with what love is not, I am able to say that what it isn’t, is part of what it is. Wow!
The most common antonym of love is hate. Having stated that, I believe that love is so complex that hate, as an antonym, is insufficient. If I don’t love, it doesn’t necessarily follow that I hate. If I don’t hate, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I love. This “love thing” is really hard to nail down. At last, I think I can see what Cole Porter was “getting at” when he wrote: WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?
Let’s approach this from a different angle, or point of view. Instead of trying to explain what love is, I’m going to use some favorite quotes about love and then add my comments.
First, from Mark Twain.
“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”
Uhmm. A desire to be desired. Yes, especially when “irresistible” is added. Love is a strong desire in humans that seems to be universal.
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Number two is from Elizabeth Browning.
“Love doesn’t make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”
I really like this way of viewing love. It speaks to love as something like spice is to food. Here’s another way to view it, using a food metaphor: “love is like an excellent dessert to an otherwise, average meal.”
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Number three is from George Sand.
“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”
This quote is insightful due to singling out love as unique in human emotion. If we would change happiness to unhappiness, then the result, no matter what other emotion we used, would not be complete.
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Number four is from the Talmud.
“Where love is, no room is too small.”
Have you ever thought about being in a room and choosing who you want with you? No matter what size the room? Uhmmmm…..
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Number five is from Dr. Seuss.
“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.”
I realize this is “metaphorically speaking,” but I think it really “hits home” regarding love. “In love” is a feeling that takes precedence over all other aspects of our life. We can’t “dream” it better. Nicely stated, Dr. Seuss.
The rest of the quotes are anonymous. I list them without comment. They are all sayings that I like and feel have value in helping us with a better answer to: What is love?
“Just because someone doesn’t love you in the way you want them to,
doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they’ve got. “
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“Love is friendship set on fire.”
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“My love for you is a journey; Starting at forever, And ending at never.”
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“Love puts the fun in together, The sad in apart, The hope in tomorrow, The joy in the heart.”
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We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.
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I WOULD LOVE TO READ YOUR COMMENTS!
Are You At The Mercy Of Now?
Posted on May 4, 2009 Leave a Comment
Mercy of what? Of now? What does that mean? Aren’t we at the mercy of fate? Do we have any control over our future?
Consider what it means to be: “at the mercy of now.” Whatever one is thinking, doing, living, etc. in the present, determines her/his future. Really? Are we at the mercy of what we are now, OR, are we at the mercy of what we are becoming? I think the latter.
You see, it boils down to whether you believe you are at the mercy of who you are OR who you are becoming. If you choose who you are, then you’re at the mercy of fate (now). If you choose who you are becoming, then you work toward what you want to be and have more control over your future. Frankly, it’s a belief system that affects what happens to us.
If you believe you have control over your future, then you are willing to try to change, therefore becoming someone different than the present you. As I have often said, “what you are becoming is often more important than what you are accomplishing.” Accomplishing implies present and past. Becoming implies present and future! If you don’t want to be at the mercy of now (fate), then you must constantly try to be what you want to be.
I once heard a story about a depressed college professor for whom therapy, religion nor family were able to help. One day, the professor’s automobile had a flat tire on a major highway, many miles away from help. Unfortunately, the “absent minded professor” had forgotten his cell phone. At first, he didn’t do anything but sit in the car, stunned, and realizing that it had been over thirty years since he had changed a tire. After awhile, even though he wasn’t sure how to use tools needed for changing the tire, he started trying to change the tire. He read the manual, found the tools, made mistakes, had successes, and eventually, got the spare tire on the car. The whole episode took him two hours. Back in the car, while traveling toward his destination he realized that he no longer was depressed. Why?
It was this relatively small and successfully completed task that showed his mind the way to approach larger problems. When we do such things, we realize we really do have more control over our destiny than our present-day thinking reveals. We can do more, if we try! We must believe in ourselves and try. We must dive in and start. You don’t have to be perfect but you do have to be trying.
Are you at the mercy of now (fate)? Are you at the mercy of what you are trying (becoming)? Hopefully, BECOMING!
Keep your comments coming!
Why Make Plans?
Posted on April 30, 2009 2 Comments
Do you make plans? Do you think plans are “stupid?” I have known many who do. As a teacher, parent and friend, I have encountered many who think that plans are not necessary or just “plain stupid.” Of course, most of the people who say plans are “stupid” are not talking about plans for everyday routine items, such as, getting dressed, preparing meals, etc. No, they are saying that planning your life is useless. Why plan when you don’t have any real control over life? Why plan when things never really turn out like you planned? I’ll admit that in my own life, things never turn out exactly like I plan them. So why plan?
What do I do that never works out? Well, I plan by making a goal, breaking it down into “pieces of action,” all designed to help me accomplish my goal over a time that I have estimated. And then? Well, to put it bluntly, it doesn’t happen. So why plan?
What really happened with my goal and/or plan? Usually, when I accomplish my “much adjusted goal” and look back, I notice that some things took longer, some shorter, and frankly, some were not completed and didn’t need to be. So, why have a plan?
A plan is still important because, in my opinion, I would not have reached my goal, if I hadn’t made the plan. It’s almost like the saying, “rules are made to be broken.” In one sense, of course rules are not made to be broken, but in another sense, they are. What I mean, is that most of the time, rules are made AND consequences are established at the same time. Why have consequences, if rules are not broken? In that sense, we have an example where plans are made to be broken.
So, we need to make plans even though they will not necessarily be played out as “planned.” Think of it as life itself. Our body seems to have a plan, but it never “plays” out as planned. For example, our body has a “built-in” plan of eat, sleep, exercise, etc. and then, for example, a cold virus sets it “off-plan.” The plan has to be adjusted in order to keep us living. We do so and life continues, BUT not as originally planned. Therefore, life has a plan but it never works out as originally planned. Wow!
Now, let me make clear that I am NOT saying we shouldn’t plan. I am saying that we should expect our plan to always be faulty. A plan, even if it is faulty, still allows us to achieve our goal. In fact, a plan helps us get started toward change. One way of viewing life is as a series of changes. Life implies change. A plan can help us to not procrastinate. A plan can help us go in the direction we want to go. A plan can help us decide and be comfortable with a decision, especially, when the situation requires a quick decision.
Why make plans? Perhaps, making plans actually improves one’s quality of life. Planning for quality? Uhmmmm…
I hope you plan to comment. :-)
Questioning Questions?
Posted on April 26, 2009 1 Comment
Is it possible to write a complete posting using only questions?
Will you, the reader, be able to understand this message, if the message contains only questions?
What is Socratic Questioning?
Do questions cause you to think of more questions?
Why do questions make us think?
Do answers cause you to think of more answers?
Do questions or answers drive thinking?
Do you find this posting more confusing and/or thought provoking, than ones that contain most sentences that are not questions?
Is your mind “swirling” and your nerves “on edge” because of the questioning format of this posting?
Do you like “thought-provoking” questions and/or “fun” questions?
Are these “thought-provoking” or “fun” questions?
What is the most fundamental concept of human thought?
Do we live in our minds?
Should we try to make reality fit our thinking or should we try to make our thinking fit reality?
Are these “fun” or “thought-provoking” questions?
How far east can you go before you’re heading west?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If there’s a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
What do Greeks say when they don’t understand something?
If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
What is another word for “thesaurus”?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
What’s a question with no answer called?
What’s an answer with no question called?
OK, why questions? I think that questions, more than any other single thing, cause humans to create new thoughts. By new thoughts, I mean different points of view, connections of concepts, intellectually interesting inferences, etc. This posting was the result of a single question in my mind. “Could I write a posting using only questions?” The answer – I almost did! :-)
I end with a poem, containing only questions, entitled:
4 – How, Where, Why, Who, What and When?
–Ron Rogers 4/18/09
How many breaths will it take to run a mile?
How many seconds will it take to wait a while?
How many battles do we need for us to win?
How many delays do we need before we begin?
Where are we going in order to be here?
Where are the assured when they feel fear?
Where are the signs on the road to success?
Where are the repressed when we confess?
Why do we smile when one makes a gaffe?
Why do we cry when we laugh?
Why do we love what others hate?
Why do we depend so much on faith?
Who is alone and lives in a city?
Who is successful but deserves our pity?
Who is unfaithful but receives our trust?
Who is unfair but still is just?
What is hot and also cold?
What is young when our wish is old?
What is east as well as west?
What is known and not assessed?
When does time explain the present?
When does youth become adolescent?
When does friendship become love?
When does reality make an example of?
What are your comments?
Fuzzy Thinking – Is It Good Thinking?
Posted on April 23, 2009 Leave a Comment
When I was in college, I remember we used the word logic and how, it, was the answer to all problems. In fact, we usually restricted our arguments to the use of Aristotelian logic. Not to oversimplify, but we normally argued using a logic that offered options of good or bad, right or wrong, true or false, black or white, high or low, up or down, yea or nay, yes or no, etc. …. I was a mathematics major and this kind of logic made perfect sense. The answer is either correct or not correct. At least, that is the way most problems turned out. Of course, once in awhile, I would run into a problem, usually involving probability, that had an answer that was better than before, BUT not necessarily correct or incorrect. There would be an answer that included an extra statement of, for example, “this answer has a 10% error margin.” So in other words, the answer has a chance of not being correct, but is correct most of the time. That is sort of “fuzzy,” isn’t it?
I read a book a few years back that was entitled, Fuzzy Thinking: The New Science Of Fuzzy Logic, by Bart Kosko. Mr. Kosko has been a leader in the field of fuzzy thinking. He, in his book, shows the value of using this kind to thinking and how, when applied to life, is most likely as valuable as Aristotelian thinking. There have been scholarly papers written showing its value. Having stated all of this, is there really any value in a “new” logic for the “regular everyday person” when Aristotelian logic has served us well for thousands of years? Well, yes, if it improves the thinking of the “regular everyday person.”
I have observed many examples of thinking that we might call “either-or” thinking. This kind of thinking is what I was referring to in the first paragraph. I think using this kind of thinking can be dangerous when it is the exclusive way of thought. Often times in life, there are “shades of gray,” instead of, “black or white.” How can we say someone is good or bad. If we say someone is good, don’t we mean that the person is good to a certain degree, but not always good?
People who use only, “either-or” thinking, cannot, OR will not, consider the complexity of most situations. Of course, we will use Aristotelian (either-or) logic to analyze something – at least, as a first analysis. After a first analysis, we generally have just that – a first of many analyses. You see, this is very much related to prejudice. Prejudice means “pre-judge,” something we all must do. YES, we all pre-judge, but we should not stop our judging with our first judgement. After all, most of the time, we are not really like a judge in a court of law, but, instead, we are more like a scientist, looking for the best solution to a problem. At least, that is the way I think we should view our thinking process.
I think that most people who want to exclusively use “either-or” thinking, are not seeing the many degrees of difference that exist between opposites, such as, good and bad, right or wrong, etc. If they did, then they would have to use complex thinking skills and not be absolutely certain about most things. When they don’t consider the “shades of gray,” they get only black or white. Even a “black and white movie film,” has shades of gray. :-)
Where do we see a lack of “fuzzy thinking” in everyday life? Look at the local or national news media. Consider the following expressions: “you’re either with us or against us,” “if you’re not a liberal then you’re a conservative,” “all ear-marks are bad,” “America – love it or leave it,” “universal health care is socialism,” “all tax cuts are good,” “big government is bad,” “government regulation of financial systems is bad,” Etc….
So, what should we do? Well, one thing to do, is to not look at our world as something that is based on “either-or” thinking. In other words, look for the complexity of the situation before deciding what to think. Be aware of your own thinking. Use critical thinking – think about your thinking, while you are thinking, and strive to make your thinking better, by using good thinking standards to assess it. Self-awareness is crucial in order to improve how you think. You must open your mind to different possibilities, so you don’t get stuck in the “either-or” world. Accept a world where, between the two poles of Aristotle, (i.e. good OR bad) there is a Fuzzy part (i.e. good AND bad).
Does this make you feel “fuzzy all over?” :-)
You Make Me Emote!
Posted on April 20, 2009 1 Comment
Have you ever heard someone say, “you make me emote?” Probably not, but I’ll bet you have heard something like, “you make me angry,” or “he is boring.” Now, I realize that emote usually refers to acting, or at least, that is how I am used to using it. On the other hand, “emote,” the root word of emotion, seems like an appropriate way to collectively express all of the words that are used for our “mental (emotional) feelings.” I’m referring to words like anger, love, boredom, fear, joy, etc., where the feeling we have is mental instead of physical.
I heard someone say recently that a person was boring. The person was boring because he explained something “like a college professor.” Well, what does that mean? If I am listening to an explanation given by a college professor and am bored, then who is responsible for me being bored? Am I responsible for my emotion or is the college professor? Really, how can someone make another bored? On a related topic, I remember when I was a teenager and my dad (I wrote about my dad in a previous posting) would say things that would “make me angry.” I would tell him how I felt and he would simply say, “get over it.” At the time, it seemed like an impossible task. I thought he was just “putting me off” and not addressing the real problem of, “him making me angry.” Of course, I now realize that he didn’t make me angry, but instead, I made me angry. I own the problem of my anger and I should not put the blame on anyone but me.
There are times when I am able to build a barrier that shields me from negative feelings. In fact, I was eventually able to do that with my dad. When he would do something that would normally “make me angry,” I was able to build a barrier in my mind that kept those negative “vibes” he was giving, from “causing” me to be angry. Now, of course, it was me, just controlling my own emotions. I didn’t literally build a barrier; I just took charge of my own thinking!
It is common for children to blame how they feel on others. It is also common, for adults to say something, such as, “you make me happy.” Now, I realize when someone says, “you make me happy,” s/he might think the happiness is the direct result of her/his positive relationship with the other person. The emotion of joy is mentally felt because of the thinking of the person who is feeling it. Of course, we are not going to express ourselves in that manner, but we should be careful about what we say. I think when a person constantly says something such as, “you make me mad,” that a form of rote learning occurs. In other words, your words become your thinking.
You make me emote – NO!
I make you emote – NO!
You make you emote – YES!
I make me emote – YES!
Do you have an emotional comment? :-)
Talk The Talk, Walk The Walk and Self-Empathy
Posted on April 17, 2009 Leave a Comment
Self-empathy? That term really seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? Empathy (I have written about empathy in a previous posting), where you “put yourself in another’s shoes,” is an important way of thinking when assessing others. But self-empathy? Of course! We should always assess ourselves – shouldn’t we? A statement that I have used often is: “Self-assess, to know yourself best!” Therefore, self-empathy, where we “put ourselves in our own shoes,” will be like looking at ourselves in a mirror. And, we all know, how important a mirror is when we are shaving, putting on make-up, etc. In that sense, self-empathy is like using a “mental mirror” on our thinking.
OK, all of this self-empathy stuff is good, but how, specifically, can it help us? Consider the above mirror example. When we look into a mirror, what do we see? From personal experience, I know that sometimes I see something that isn’t really there. You see, I will focus on a particular spot on my face and see my face as “imperfect.” In other words, using and hopefully, not abusing, a well-known metaphor, “I can’t see the forest because of the trees.” I focus on one “bad tree” and see an ugly forest. I’m not saying the spot should not be considered as part of my face, but, I think “allowing” the spot to take the place of my whole face, is not allowing my thinking to reflect reality.
Another perspective on this concept of self-empathy is the use of the word,”is.” What I mean by this, is when one believes s/he is an optimist, then that person will tend to look at the bright side of life. I think it is important for a person to believe s/he IS an optimist and not allow current feelings to be a determining factor. An optimist “is” who you are and not, necessarily, what you feel.
I think we behave in ways based on the person we believe we are. If you believe you are a drug addict, then you will tend to behave as a drug addict behaves. If you believe you are an athlete, then you will tend to behave as an athlete behaves. If you believe you are blogger, then you will behave as a blogger behaves. How does a blogger behave? :-)
Of course, you may believe you are something that you aren’t. This is where the self-empathy comes in. If we use self-empathy to “put ourselves in our own shoes” and use good standards such as clarity, reasonableness, logicalness, significance, relevance, etc. to assess ourselves, then we can determine the “is” we are or want to be. In other words, after this exercise in self-assessment, a person should be able to know what s/he believes about her/himself.
Now, if there is something you would like to change, then the first thing to change is how you think about it and how it relates to you. Once you change how you think about yourself, then change how you talk about yourself. For example, consider an optimist and a pessimist. How does a pessimist talk compared to an optimist? I’m sure you know — the old adage, “Is a glass half empty or half full?” If you want to be an optimist, then you think and say the glass is half full.
Use self-empathy to help self-assessment. Use self-assessment to improve thinking. Use your improved thinking to improve your words. Your actions will follow your thinking and talk. Or, another way of summarizing this is: “Talk the Talk AND Walk the Walk”
Do you “talk the talk and walk the walk,” in such a way that you are who you want to be? I would love to read your thoughts regarding this.
Washington, DC And Me!
Posted on April 13, 2009 2 Comments
I recently spent four days in Washington, DC, as a tourist, trying to understand our country from a historical and tourist point of view. My wife and I stayed in a hotel in “upper Georgetown,” used the bus, cab or walked and attempted to experience as much as we could in four days. Unfortunately, President Obama was in Europe during our visit and therefore, we had no chance to see him. We did visit the White House and saw a few pictures of the president and his family. Most of the pictures were of the inauguration.
There is so much to see in Washington, DC. We spent a morning in the Arlington National Cemetery, where we observed the changing of the guard for the Unknown Soldier. We also visited the Arlington House and saw the graves of JFK and his brother, Robert Kennedy.
We entered Washington, DC by going across the Memorial Bridge and immediately getting lost. After driving all the way to the RFK Stadium, before we realized we were lost, we then drove “across the city” to our destination of the Savoy Suites in “upper” Georgetown. We spent the rest of the day “scouting out” Georgetown and ending the day with a meal at Billy Martin’s in lower Georgetown.
Our second day was spent on the National Mall between the White House and the Capitol. We chose April 1 – 4, because it was the projected peak time for the blooming of the cherry blossoms. In other words, we were there for the “Cherry Blossom Festival.” While in the mall, we saw the World War 2 Memorial, Vietnam War Memorial, Korean War Memorial, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial and, of course, the cherry blossoms along the Tidal Basin. Late in the afternoon, we spent some time in the National Gallery of Art and the Sculpture Garden.
Our third day was spent visiting the White House, eating at Old Ebbitt Grill, visiting the Smithsonian Museum of American History and the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. That evening, we went to a restaurant near the US Mint office building. Our former neighbors and friends from St. Louis, who now live in Washington, DC, took us to the restaurant and then we visited the US Mint office building.
On our fourth and last day, we saw the National Cathedral, St. Sophia Greek Orthodox Church, Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and ate in old town of Alexandria, Virginia.
So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, I think Washington, DC is a place that has a lot of history packed into a small area. It is amazing how, from the beginning of our country to the present, so much of our American History has centered around Washington, DC. George Washington’s home in Mount Vernon is real close. Robert E. Lee’s home was in Arlington – a stone’s throw away from our capital. In fact, the Potomac River was basically the dividing line between the North and South. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in Washington, DC. ETC………
I really want this posting to act as a virtual visit to Washington, DC for you, the reader. Hopefully, you were able to spend some time visiting the websites.
What Are “The Good Old Days?”
Posted on April 11, 2009 2 Comments
I was talking to a friend recently, and he made the statement, “Those were the good old days.” He was referring to the late sixties, when both of us were in college. I know that a few years ago there was a New York Times article about the sixties (1960 – 1970) being the “good old days”; that was about using the sixties as a theme for advertising. My friend was talking about how life was so great, in the “good old days” of the late sixties. Now, I am not denying that there was a lot of good in those days, but were they really the “good old days?” Compared to what?
I think it is fine to talk about the “good old days” some, but if one does it “too” much, then it can create problems. When we spend a lot of time talking about the past (good old days), we often find fault in the way things are today. We tend to use the “good old days” as a standard for judging the present. Of course, there are times when the past is better than the present, but if we think that nothing is as good as the “good old days,” then we fall victim to affirming it as the truth. In other words, we make it, in our mind, our reality. To say it in another way, we become prejudice against anything in the present. We don’t give the present a chance, because NOTHING is as good as the “good old days.”
I think it is important to realize that we are always moving toward the future. With that in mind, we must also watch out for remaining “stuck in the present.” Just like my friend keeps referring to the “good old days,” I don’t want to think that the future won’t be better than the present. If I do, then all I will be able to think about is the present and how things are now. Consider this question – what are we becoming, if we think we are what we are accomplishing? I think what we are becoming is usually more important than what we are accomplishing.
OK, so what should we do?
Forget the past? NO – learn from it.
Forget the present? NO – live in it.
Forget about the future? NO – stay grounded in the present, but focus on the future by visualizing and affirming what you want it to be!
So, what are the “good old days?”
The past, if emphasis is placed on “old.”
The present, if emphasis is placed on “days.”
The future, if emphasis is placed on “good.”
What are your “good old days?”
How Can I Be Happy? – Part 2
Posted on April 8, 2009 1 Comment
Recently, I posted a blog entitled, “How Can I Be Happy?” In the posting, I proposed a plan for happiness that involved finding happiness in the life we have and not thinking that happiness will find us in the future. Let’s revisit this subject of happiness and add another point of view.
We all know that, to some extent, we are affected by the environment around us. Therefore, we need to be careful not to allow what goes on around us to affect our happiness. In other words, our happiness should not depend on our environment.
If we aren’t careful, we will find that our environment will determine how we feel on the inside. When everything is going well on the outside, then we feel good, happy, positive, etc. But, if the smallest negative thing happens in our environment, then we are immediately unhappy. We then become a victim and allow the environment to have control of our lives. But, do we have a choice? Are we victims because we have chosen to be that way?
Now, we could turn all of this into a positive. If we are having problems, then use them as a positive. How, you ask? Well, a Thomas Blandi quote comes to mind, “If you are not having problems, you are missing an opportunity for growth.” You see, we could turn a problem in to a “happy” growth experience. In other words, we need to take charge of how we respond and what we do, when these environmental problems occur.
So, this sounds nice, but, really, what is a simple approach to solving this “happiness” problem? Let’s consider the only thing we have complete control of — what goes on inside of our minds. I have often used the quote, “to change everything, simply change your attitude.” I define attitude as “a person’s mental feeling.” I think we can change how we feel mentally. This is not easy, but it is feasible.
It is important for each of us to take charge of what we think. We should take charge of what we tell ourselves, therefore, giving us the opportunity to see setbacks as temporary instead of permanent. We should look at problems as opportunities to grow. As we view our problems as opportunities to grow, we develop an inner strength to bounce back from any obstacle and an incredible strength from standing up to adversity.
Happiness is something that only you are responsible for. Have you ever said, “I make me happy?” I realize that it sounds a bit vain to say that, but really, how can we depend on outside influences to make us happy, and at the same time, be a fulfilled and happy human being? It’s a gamble and why gamble with life?
These are just my thoughts – what are yours?
R2 Thoughts for You 